I dont think I've ever made a blog like this before. You usually see the standard "War Declaration" or "SvS Results" but right now, I want to put aside all our differences, forget where we're all coming from, what we've all done to each other, and what we all believe, and just speak my mind as an isolated individual. I just need to get some stuff of my chest.
I've had literally, hundreds of people ask me in the past week what happened to the guild, what happened to RP, where I've been, why everything's dying, why I'm not like I used to be, why I don't care, and the truth is I haven't had the strength to give you all an honest answer, but here it is:
Imperio getting deleted didn't really phase me. In fact, I think it woke me up, and helped me better understand that yeah, ok, I maxed 10 guilds, I made RP awesome, I did a lot for this game, but I'm not a fucking God, and I need to stop acting like it, because we're all equal people, and I'm no better than anyone else here. The reason I left the country and went to Russia is because ESC - East Side Crips and recently NSL - North Side Locos got into a gang war right in my neighborhood and have been threatening to shoot me and my entire family up because I'm the middle man for a lot of drug lines. I had to get out of that, but to do it, I had to leave the U.S. When I got back, I started going to a lot of parties, getting reallllllyyy fucked up on some pretty serious stuff, making out with girls, then waking up in bath tubs with different ones. That's the kind of life most guys want, and yeah, it was fun, but it got old fast. I know just the general concept of "dating online" is stupid, but I'm telling you from personal experience. I gave up my virginity young to someone I did not care about, I've made out with people, I've done it all, and despite all that, I can't help but still be madly in love with Bella.
Just the other night, one of my ex's from way back messaged me telling me that she had "nude" pics of Bella. My first thought was just... how. I called Bella, and she told me she'd stripped for Hippie, Hippie, my best friend, the person that claims he doesn't give a shit about any girl, going behind my back, defiling one of the only people I care about in life.
I'll be straight with you. The second I heard it, I bawled. I hung up and broke a door of the top wedge, and just raged, really, really bad for a good 1 - 2 hours, and I don't cry. I don't, ever, cry. I didn't cry when Bella begged me to stay home because my boy Tony Garcia had a beef with some Crips. Because I didn't have his back, he got shot up and killed. I didn't cry, but it hit hard and I'll never forgive myself for it. I'm in a spot where I just don't know what to do. Hippie's threatening to keep seducing her. She claims she won't do anything again, but he says she just told him this morning that she likes him. i mean, Hippie's been my best fucking friend, forever. We used to tell people we were fucking brothers, like actual brothers, and I loved him, like an actual brother. This is probably the only thing he could have done to just, utterly, and completely, destroy me.
You know when you love something to death, and someone goes and defiles her, and seduces her, it just leaves you speechless. I literally feel like the place where my heart is, is empty. I haven't slept in 2 days. I took 13 shots of scotch last night, God fucking knows how many the other 4 nights. My family's a wreck. My mom's getting her 4th divorce, baby brother's being put in fucking fostercare, and the one person that I gave 2 years of my life to, like, the one thing I NEED, isn't there for me, but off being seduced by my best friend.
I can't decide if it's just karma or what. I mean, I told Morgan the full story from start to finish from when i first met Bella and i was 100% honest because I wanted her to tell me who was really right, cause I wanted to KNOW if it was my fault, if i deserved this, and not only her, but every single person I've asked has told me that Bella never deserved someone as good as me, but I can't help but feel like a little pretentious fuck for anything and everything I ever said or did to her or anyone else.
I hit rock bottom a long time, but now, I can't even describe the horrible pain and suffering I'm experiencing. There's probably more alcohol in my fucking body that blood. My kidney's are on fire, my eyes are blood shot, my lungs are black, and everything around me is just fucking going down the drain and I feel powerless to stop it. In the end, all these people that claimed they cared weren't ever fucking there for me. Only a selected few were. The reason I'm so hostile is because it's so hard to trust anyone anymore. I have a nice handful of friends in real life that I know would take bullets for me, and I'd do the same for them voluntarily, but, just, the one person that I really need and want, "Bella", is torturing the absolute shit out of me, fucking ripping my heart and my soul apart.
It's not that I can't bear her being happy with another guy. It's that I can't bear watching another guy put her through what I did. I really hope you all have a better understanding of why I've been acting the way I've been acting lately. Sorry for being a dick.